Are you viral? You know, not in a meningeal way. I mean, how’s your content, your life? Is it compelling enough to blaze the fiber optic trails and onto the eyes of your adoring friends and family? Does it stand up to the finicky eye of the Internet? Do your kids sing just off- (or on-) key enough to capture the hearts of unsuspecting strangers?
Are these questions ever ones you imagined asking yourself?
Well, you’ve been caught in the algorithm, folks, and now it matters.
Lifewise, I wouldn’t say I’m a pariah, but I’m definitely no rock star, either. I’m also consistent. I like the same movies, the same type of humor, the same music I always have, and it’s been this way since I jumped on the party train. In other words, personally, I’m not a particularly viral person.
And I know what you’re thinking, Regular Joe. Well, I’m just a Regular Joe, how could this possibly affect me? Well, those updates you’re making, on Facebook and elsewhere? If your posts don’t have that clickability (has that made it to Webster’s yet?) no one will see them. Likewise, when I post my fifteenth video of Il Volo or the Jingle Cats, pity, but you may not see those, either.
The game of life has gone viral, and I’m here to help you step up your game.
First, when you need to update a status, I am going to need you to start it with, “You Won’t BELIEVE…” You must capture the attention of the audience, you see. This may work well with birth announcements or engagements, but you’ll have to work a little harder with the everyday stuff. To survive in these trying times, you must think like a marketer.
Example: You won’t BELIEVE which type of cheese I put in my omelet this morning! CLICK HERE!
When posting a picture, always post a link to the picture with the headline “The cutest (jellyfish, inbred kitten, cutting board) YOU WILL EVER SEE!” Ever. That’s quite an indictment, I know, but you want people to see it, don’t you?
For maximum impact (and highest number of clicks!), simply create a slideshow. Think stop-motion coffee drinking, or the shadow of the sun creeping over a room, scandalous before-and-after pictures, or a time-lapse ‘through the years’ montage. That always gets ‘em.
Example: My grandson learns to walk, hits puberty, and fathers illegitimate son in under 45 seconds! MUST WATCH!
It would also behoove you to learn Photoshop, since there’s nothing as viral as an Is this REAL? post. Put your head on Captain America’s body, create an obituary for Kim Jong Un, or enlarge a ladybug and slap it on a picture of your face. (Man-eating ladybug found in Kuala Lampur, and migrating to Southeastern Illinois! Watch out!!!)
Also, please don’t forget to mix it up a little. Shaming goes a long way. Shame your teen, your dog, yourself. You can also oppose shaming while shaming something else.
Example: Ashamed by my husband as he shamed our babysitter. I’ll NEVER shame again!
Shame sells, kids.
And let’s talk videos. In general, there are three types of videos you must master: post-dental surgery/post-anesthesia videos, one creature returning home to greet another long-suffering creature (human-human and human-canine preferred), and cats violently attacking unwitting toddlers.
Blind rage works as well.
Example: I am SO DISGUSTED that Coke made a SUPER BOWL COMMERCIAL featuring ETHNICALLY-DIVERSE PEOPLE, DRINKING COKE!!! FIRE AND BRIMSTONE AND NANCY GRACE!!!
I thought you wanted to teach the world to sing. What happened?
I know you’re saying ‘This is ridiculous, dude’. But you play, you pay, my friends. We’re all content creators now. And if you want to be out there, you have to be, well, out there. Your aunt’s retirement party no longer makes the cut.
But a naked retirement party? Well, that might. If she knows how to twerk.
If you think of it this way, though, there are some perks to being a media maven. Viral content creators get flown out to the Ellen show and are given cars and huge cardboard checks, get to dance to Single Ladies with Beyoncé, and are featured on Tosh.O. Dreams come true, right?
Viral media could really change your life. Especially after you find out which Golden Girl you are. (Dorothy here! Woot!)
Now, go forth and earn those clicks!
May the odds ever be ever in your favor. Until the algorithm changes, at least.