There comes a time in every parent’s life when one realizes they’ve completely lost any trace of modesty they may have ever had. For me, that happened back during my first pregnancy, when several bescrubbed individuals, peering under a sheet at the end of a stretcher, became a mundane occurrence.
I thought I had reached the pinnacle of my immodesty when I was pregnant with twins, or after I was filleted like a flounder, or when I had to have a nurse assist me with placing my newborn twins on my – well, never mind…
I thought I had hit bottom, but turns out, I’ve reached a new low. It’s talking to people just like I talk to my children and their caregivers, people who don’t expect it. People who don’t deserve it.
Did you hear me? I’ve begun talking to strangers like I talk to my kids.
Of note, I asked the furniture delivery guy who asked to use my restroom before we moved in whether he had to do “Number One or Number Two” because I had only brought enough toilet paper to cover one bathroom. I thought it was a legitimate question. Would he want to be stuck in the wrong bathroom for the job? For the rest of his visit, he laughed and shook his head, repeating, “Oh, no, she didn’t! Did you hear what she asked me? Did I have to do Number One or Number Two! Did you hear that? Oh, snap!”
If you asked me at age twenty-five if I would be caught dead asking a grown stranger if he was going to “do Number One or Number Two” in my new toilet, I would have declared you certifiably insane and left you at the entrance of the nearest hospital. And that’s after I laughed uncontrollably in your face.
Times have clearly changed.
I’ve told family members, whom, before the arrival of my cherubs, had been to my house once a year at best, that, “I need to pee really bad and go take a shower because I stink.” My aunt and uncle have folded my underwear. Several times. I’ve tried to get them more comfortable with the word ‘poop’, but I’ve as yet been unsuccessful. It’s so natural, right? Poop. Poop. Poop. See? Still, they prefer referring to that which graces my babies’ diapers as “a mess” or “a big mess”. Suit yourselves.
Most recently, the pest control guy and I were chatting it up about having three toddlers, and I launched, almost automatically, into my trademark, “Oh, no more for me! My grandmother had seven, her mother had eleven, and unh- uh (shaking my head), I’m done, if you know what I mean,” slicing my neck with my index finger. He stared at me wide-eyed, looked at my husband, back at me, and attempted a nod. Is that uncomfortable? I don’t think so. I say that at least twice a day.
I know I can chat with many a mom (and dad) about the diapers and the sleeping and the boogers and the smashing of the food in the hair and no one bats an eyelash. Whenever I enter a child-related store, I am comforted by knowing nods from my kinfolk. I can say a lot of words with a straight face. I worked in healthcare.
Life is just easier (and cleaner) when you know what you’re dealing with. I know it may be a little uncomfortable at first, but babies are disgusting little creatures, and procreation is an obvious precursor to their existence. And, honestly, after you’ve said ‘poop’ once, you’ve said it a thousand times.
You know where babies come from, right? We don’t have to have The Talk, do we? And you know what comes from babies as well, so I’m not sure why we’re giggling like a bunch of metalmouthed schoolgirls over a Kirk Cameron poster.
So, suck it up. And grab a diaper. There’s plenty of work to be done here. At least until everyone’s potty trained. And, from what I hear, probably after, too.
thanks for the laugh! I think you were being very considerate when you asked if he had to go #1 or #2!
How did YOU know I used to giggle at Kirk Cameron posters???
Haha, I hear that, for sure. I often say things these days that people drop their jaw at – and then pause to see if they’re meant to laugh. Excellent.
It was Christian Slater posters for me. And, I wasn’t giggling, yo. Yeah, baby.
Oh, yeah. Nothing makes your modesty disappear faster than kids. The other day I was out shopping with my boys when my five year old declared loudly, “Mummy, my penis is itchy.” And it didn’t even faze me.
Great post! Here’s a funny…when we moved and the cable guy came to install cable, we hadn’t really moved anything in yet and didn’t even have toilet paper in the bathroom. We didn’t realize that until after he asked to use it, and sat in there for a good 20 minutes. Ewwwww….
Hilarious we are the same now 3 aged 5 and under . Before we had children I used to look at parents sniffing babies bums and think how disgusting . It now makes perfect sense that you would turn the baby over and sniff rather than open up the diaper it saves so much time !!!
My granddaughter doesn’t have that problem. When she’s done #2 you can smell it across the room!
lol, love it! Having six kids, 3 of which are 5 and under, I can totally relate to just about everything in this post.
Loved your posts!! I actually have a blog post planned for that topic. I have a 9 week old daughter and it occurred to me the other day how poop was always such a taboo topic. Now there’s a cheer, a dance, and a song for a poopy. Anyway just wanted to say I loved it!
Hilarious! I’ve been told by my husband that I need not share every detail of our lives with family and friends, but as a mommy, it all feels perfectly natural to talk about.
Before you know it you’ll be at the “12 year old is buying porn on pay-per-view” stage. You’ll be wishing for troubles as minor as a bit of poop or puke when that $300 bill for a plethora of filthy movies with titles like “Cheerleaders in Heat,” all purchased on weekend nights after 12 midnight, arrives.
Did you know a 12 year old boy can operate a cable remote far more effectively than a forty-something year old man? This is valuable intel.
I still have the capacity for pay-per-view turned off in my house, and my son hasn’t lived at home for three years.
I keep catching myself using my 4-year-old’s words for things. At a restaurant the other day I asked for “exter” ketchup, instead of “extra”.
Oh, man! I do that ALL THE TIME. We use “diapees” and give my son “choc” (chocolate milk) and we call one of my twins Ki-kul, because my older son couldn’t pronounce Michael. And we STILL call him Ki-kul even though my son pronounces Michael just fine now.
Likewise. My dad still calls me “Dee da” because that’s what my little sister said because she couldn’t pronounce “Alyssa”
Same with talking like a four year old. “Birdy” instead of bird, “Diapees” instead of diapers. “Basketti” for spaghetti. Little things, but you feel kind of silly when you say them to another person.
LOL I’m not even a parent, but I have helped my mother babysit all the children my cousins have had. Right now, I spend a lot of time with a two and a half and a four year old. A visitor asked me the other day what the heck a “bubbies” was after I’d gone to get the kids a drink and looked like she were going to throw up when I accused (laughingly) one of them of wiping their nose on my shirt!
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