I think I have a severe case of PIES. And not the Homer Simpson variety. I’m sure you’ve had it, too, at one point or another in your life, and most definitely will again.
What is PIES, you ask? Well, it’s what happens when you do something like move into a new house in the woods. It happens when you go camping for the very first time, or picnic at a new park, or go swimming at a lake. You freak out about the innumerable and virtually inextinguishable varieties of insects with whom you’d prefer not to share your personal space.
PIES? Post Insect Exposure Syndrome. You know what I’m talking about.
It’s what happens when you overhear the previous owners of your house chatting with their lawyer during your closing about the fact that their entire family came down with Lyme Disease from the ticks in their yard. It’s what happens when you take off outlet covers to paint and find hundreds of dead bees (or hornets – you couldn’t tell which, since they were too dead) inside the walls. It’s what happens when you keep finding as-yet-unclassified beetle-type bugs belly up on the rugs, and watching hornets (live, I assure you) slip into spaces in your siding. You begin to lose your mind.
PIES can drive the most even-tempered individuals to put the pest control company on speed dial. It can also very rapidly transform one into an amateur Entomologist, who can tell you the eight species of flies that are petrified in her garage window, and which bugs will crawl back up the drain when washed down. PIES can also facilitate games played at night, in one’s bed, such as What’s Crawling on Me Now? and the more popular What May Be Crawling on My Children?
And it doesn’t stop with you. After you take your children outside, you virtually turn them upside down and shake, inspect their hair, and perform full-body reiki to check for ticks. You even unfasten their diapers and check inside just in case.
You know that’s half of an olive on kitchen floor, left there when you cleaned up after dinner, but you can’t help but convince yourself that it’s moving. Is it a spider? Sometimes, yes, but more usually just some dust. You can’t resist the urge to flail around in an epileptic fit, sprinting off your chair like you just remembered you entered the 50-yard dash, slapping yourself in the face and legs while attempting to enjoy the scenery, or a meal, as nature buzzes around you. You cut open a tomato and question whether the black thing inside is a seed or a blood sucking parasite. Your eyes dart warily around all rooms at all times. You squint and squat and spray and poke. You’re plumb out of your mind, and, frankly, you can’t hide it. And your three lazy, good-for-nothing cats just aren’t fazed by the fact that this is your hour of need.
Now, I’m not going to put on my City Girl t-shirt, as it’s fairly obvious that I’m not of the woods. And I’m not going to act like I’m adjusting to the fact that I’m not living in an impenetrable fortress, because, let me tell you, I’m not.
Some of us love the outdoors. Some of us hope for a butterfly to land on our finger, become giddy and nostalgic around fireflies, or stop to make a wish when a ladybug happens by. Me? I’m screaming, cursing, and swatting, and that’s if I haven’t run away yet. My humble opinion? Bugs are ugly, bugs are gross, a lot of them crunch, and none of them should be in my house. Period. Who do they think they are, with their exoskeletons and secretions and scent glands, anyway? There’s a place for bugs, and it’s on some faraway planet in another galaxy.
And don’t give me that, “We need bugs,” business, either. We don’t, and La La La I Can’t Hear You.
One of the most enduring memories I have of my grandfather, who passed in 2008, is of us sprinkling ant killer over all the anthills up and down his driveway. And of the brightly colored fly swatters hung in various places in the house. And the fact that sometimes, sometimes he let me do the swatting. He hated bugs, and I’d like to think he passed that adaptive, heroic, and utilitarian quality on to me.
I can think of nothing more I’d like to do to preserve his memory than continue his legacy of obliterating every insect that crosses my path.
And now back to the PIES. The only known cure? Chemicals and a lot of booze. Ironically, the answer to many of life’s problems.
Now let me get out of here. My skin is crawling.
I just moved into a townhouse and I am experiencing the same thing! It makes me nervous just walking into my kitchen now.. and everytime i open up a drawer or cabinet I hold my breathe and cringe hoping a bug wont fly out at me! ughhhhhhhh I definitely have PIES right now
Lol. I found your post comical. I had a bit of a freak out recently over an ants nest.
The worst for me is spiders. They make every hair on my body stand on end, I scream, shiver, shake, itch and cry. I feel like they are watching me if they are still or I panic where they are going if they move. I also worry they may have a family! I am one of those people who will leave a dead spider on the wall as a warning to other spiders not to take up residence in my house!
I feel for you. I can’t take bugs in the house either. I don’t like them outside, but the house is my territory!
It’s the downside of banning pesticides – we’re going to get bugs whether we like it or not. I haven’t found any terribly effective green solutions either, unless you’re talking about ants. Here’s my homemade ant jam recipe:1 or 2 tsp borax in a 500ml jar of strawberry jam. Spoon out on little pieces of wax paper and place where the ants hang out. They’ll be gone in a week or two. Best part is that it’ll kill the ants, but won’t hurt your kids if they decide to sample the jam.
I don’t mind bugs much, but jiminy cricket, that was funny! I think if there weren’t so darned many of them, we would appreciate them more. Or unappreciate them less.
so what was the fat puffy green caterpillar thing I found writhing near the tomato plants yesterday? Ugh!
Silverfish may be the creepiest things on the planet.
You are preaching to the choir. Just the thought makes my spine tingle. And not in a good way.
I have two words for you……head lice.
I’m very sorry to hear that. And I certainly hope you recover from PIES! I prefer the pumpkin version, myself.
My life has been much less stressful since I gave up trying to kill them. I’ve learned prevent their take-over by encouraging them to take residence in places other than my house (like MuddledMom) and extend that to my veggie garden (I’ll share a little, but not all). I do, however, show them a great deal of respect. Without insects, the human population would cease to exist rather quickly and painfully.
If you take all the plant, mammal, bird, reptilian, amphibian, fish, fungi, algae, and lichen species in the world and total them all up, that total wouldn’t even make HALF of all the insect species in the world (more than a million KNOWN). This is their planet and we’re living in it — evolved because of them. Their job is to feed the rest of us and propagate plants who cannot have sex on their own. And those plants also feed us.
Sorry, but it’s kinda my thing. Education is knowledge, and knowledge is power. Here’s how my 7-yr-old rolls with it (http://wp.me/p28k6D-tU).
Like I said, La La La, I Can’t Hear You.
LOL I know. I get that a lot.
I’ll begin by saying I enjoy your writing very much! Great blog!
Ummm…I hesitate before giving the following advice. First of all, because I hate unsolicited advice. My apologies.I just left a post on Facebook that I know is going to rally everyone without a medical degree to diagnose my knee injury. I almost wrote that I don’t need a diagnosis, thank you, I’ve been to the doctor.
I digress.
Also, I don’t want to increase your anxiety level. It might be better if you not read the following. But I am the textbook suburban gal from Houston and my husband is Huck Finn. He had to explain ticks to me. I had actually never seen one. Honest. Ticks do like cozy places like under the elastic of underwear, etc., so you’re not the only one who checks under the diaper. I recommend cavity searches on the kiddos. It’s gross, I know. My farm abiding relatives taught me about tick checks. The related stories I have on the topic would be hilarious if you weren’t in this predicament. One time I had to do a check on my husband….in places he couldn’t see….yes, he had those tiny little deer ticks. It became my unfortunate responsibility to use the tweezers on, shall we say, very sensitive places. That’s what he gets for going fishing in the woods.
Well, we paid a pretty penny for tick and mosquito spraying, so I hope that helps a bit. As for your comment, I’m officially scarred for life now. You realize that, right?
Dang, I wish I had a filter. No common sense at all. My sincere apologies!
You know I’m joking, right? I’m joking.
After being gone from the blog world for more than a week, I’ve been skimming post titles and picking and choosing what I can fit in time to read (to say I’m backed up is an understatement).
Anyway, I’m not gonna lie. I came here thinking of blackberry, boysenberry, apple, pumpkin.
And now, I think I’m going to have to use chemicals and booze to get over the insects.
I’m flattered. And I’m sorry. Chemicals and booze, though, should clear it up right away.
We have lived in the same apartment for 12 years. Suddenly around Feb, I was sitting at the comp and a beetle flew at the monitor. Ok, “EW”. It was a black thing about the size of a pencil eraser. I killed it and gave it a burial at sea, in the toilet. The next night the same thing happened. Twice. It’s February, where were these things coming from? Not outside, it’s winter. Within a week I was finding them under a book I’d put on the floor 2 days before. They’d be walking across the bathtub. I moved a small trunk and there were 6 under there WITH little wormy-maggot things that I assume were Beetles to Be. It got so bad I took a beetle and Baby Thingie into a local exterminator to ask what they were and where were they coming from? They said they were carpet beetles. We’ve had the same carpet. Long story short, we were infested within a month. Everything I’d move, pick up, or leave sitting for a day or two, as soon as it was moved… beetles. Well! I finally found out where they were coming from…our CAT FOOD. I won’t mention the brand but it’s a very common, popular “good” vitamin one. Apparently they don’t heat or cook the food, so it’s “raw”. The beetle eggs were in it. To test it I took a hand full and put it in a bag on the proch for 2 days and yep…beetle babies. It took FIVE MONTHS to get rid of these things. I wrote the cat food comapny ranting and screaming. Putting the food in the freezer or oven had no effect. I still find one or two around and for the life of us we can’t figure it out. I have taxidermied insects all along the walls in my hallway but it’s a different story when they’re flying at your face at 2 am !:)
Oh my GOD! You poor thing. How terrible! Yeesh.