The Curse of Womanhood
Have you ever had one of those days where you want to go, just get in the car and keep driving?
An unfortunate series of events has befallen us at home, most of which I’m frankly too exhausted to rehash, and I just want out. What I realized, though, with kids, and positions of employment requiring signed contracts, there is no out.
I melted down yesterday. It wasn’t the first time, and surely won’t be the last. It was Father’s Day. A coincidence that, unfortunately, my emotions weren’t able to sidestep. I’ve always worn my heart on my sleeve, and, as hard as I’ve tried, I haven’t been able to cut off my sleeve.
The culmination of over a month of untoward occurrences, scary and expensive surprises, and overall unpleasantness finally got to me. And this is on top of the everyday bullet train that is my life: the husband’s unforgiving work schedule, three screaming toddlers, and an endless list of to-do’s. I was holding it down until my son, not the most dexterous of my clan, figured out how to take his dirty (as in dirty) diaper off and mate it with our new couch. That was about the straw that broke this camel’s back.
I collapsed into a heap, rather, under a heap, of phone calls, forms, bills, health concerns, needs, wants, obligations, laundry, and general (and specific) annoyances. I was finished. I needed to leave.
After my parents arrived for a special Father’s Day dinner, and my dad inadvertently poured watermelon juice all over my toddler’s freshly changed clothes, I decided it was best for everyone involved that I not be there, lest I maim someone with a kitchen utensil.
I drove to the beach. I sat, watching the waves slap against the rocks. But I didn’t feel better. The breeze blowing off the water was deceptively cold. I was uncomfortable, and hadn’t thought to bring a jacket. I had to leave. I sat in the car for a few moments, temporarily amused by something on the radio, and then drove off. I was shaking inside, and there was no relief in sight.
I continued back towards home where my stabbing headache originated. I was desperate. Should I keep driving? Check into a hotel? Disappear? Of course, guilt nudged me gently back home.
I returned and sat on my deck for a few minutes, at a table that had been several weeks’ worth of frustration to obtain, put together, and eventually have swapped out with a non-damaged one. My father came and sat beside me. I don’t even remember what he said. I couldn’t hear him through my all-consuming rage. I just remember getting up and fumbling my way inside, fighting back tears.
There was nowhere I could go. There was nowhere I could sit, could rest, that didn’t smack of the difficulties of the past month, that wasn’t mocking me. I didn’t want to talk to my parents, my husband, my kids. I wanted to dig a hole and climb in. But I couldn’t.
I wandered into the living room where my son was having a minor conniption fit, as the lacrosse stick he had been playing with had to be returned to the next door neighbors. I picked him up, and sat with him for a bit while he cried. I eventually bartered with him – a smile for two E.L. Fudge cookies and some milk. The deal worked.
I settled him at the table with his snack and returned to the living room. My younger son looked up at me, unaware of the turmoil that whirled painfully behind my eyes. He smiled. No, he beamed. And I felt my mood lighten.
But, unfortunately, it did not last. I painfully slogged my way through ‘special’ dinner and the subsequent cleaning up.
I was spent. I sat on the couch like a zombie, watching my twins burn off the remainder of the day’s energy, dreaming of a beach, a mountain, the woods. Just somewhere else. I tried to go back in my mind and stop everything that’s happened over the last few months from happening. I tried to go back and keep my husband from becoming frustrated by my melodrama. I tried to go back and unbuy this house and everything in it. I tried to go back to the honeymoon that was replaced with a surprise pregnancy. But nothing worked. Every time I opened my eyes, I was still here. I was still here.
And it helped me to realize that we spend so much time dreaming of being an adult, so much time daydreaming about a Utopian and flawless future, so much time making decisions and plans, and setting up for the greatness that will rain upon you like tropical shower, but no one, and I mean no one, prepares for those days where you just can’t hack it, where it takes every fiber of your being not to grab the bottle of wine out of the fridge and wander off into the woods, where it takes a concerted effort not to resent every choice you’ve ever made, your reflection, your life. No one imagines their future like that.
And then you come back. Logic returns. The tears dry up. And you resign yourself to the fact that you’re an adult, this is your life, and you must put your big girl panties on and deal with it all. No matter how you feel. Because the Universe does not grant you indulgences. Because the trash will pile up, and so will the bills, and you’ll have to deal with messes greater than the ones with which you’re currently dealing. Because your kids are depending on you. Because everyone’s depending on you. And you can’t break free.
You are all things to all people. You are a wife, a mother, a dishwasher, a counselor, a sanitation expert, and an executive assistant, and you can’t go home. You are home. Therefore, you must depend on the smiles and the bursts of laughter of those around you to float you through until your joie de vivre returns. And it will.
The trick is to follow the light. And it’s not always easy. Especially when you’ve got your head buried in your hands.
Posted on June 18, 2012, in Family, Life, Married Life, parenting, Women and tagged family, Father Day, life, maturity, motherhood, Mothers, navigating difficult times, parenthood, parenting, sacrifice, trials and tribulations, womanhood. Bookmark the permalink. 24 Comments.
You speak my theme song. I remember driving off in the days before it all changed- and it helped. Now it’s just a tease because I have to come back. I’m sorry you’ve had a rough go as of late. I have so been there. And know I will again.
Sending you mental joie de vivre right now.
And I took French in college so I’m relatively certain of what that is…
XOXO
i don’t have any magical words of wisdom…just want you to know you’re not alone…hang in there….
Ahhh man…I was hoping I was the only one that ended Father’s Day crying. I’m so sorry.
I hear ya. Big time. Last Monday my 3 year old escaped from our back yard, as in cops out searching, the whole deal. Then, later that night he broke his arm falling out of bed. I am 9+ months pregnant, my 1 year old is discovering just how immobile mom is at this point, we’re moving in a few weeks (job for hubby)… the pile just keeps on piling.
Not that any of that is helpful to you, but I just wanted to say that you’re not alone. Hang in there. Cry, pray, drink some wine, drink a little more wine… and try not to assault the people that tell you “enjoy it now because someday you’ll miss it.”
AH I have these moments, often, and a lot more frequently as of late. Being a mother is so hard. I can’t really say it’s harder than being a dad, but come on, we all know it is. I was talking to my husband the other day about going back to school, and he has the balls to say, “well, but how can you do this when you have kids at home…I mean…wouldn’t it be kind of hard?” I wanted to slap him silly. I got really pissed, but, in the end, I realized he was right. It was my job to be home with the kids, and it was one I gladly welcomed with open arms, but that’s basically all I feel like I can do right now. For myself personally, if I take on too much, it throws my world into a tailspin and that’s what he meant by it being kind of hard for me. I went through so many emotions after that conversation; from anger, to frustration, to resignation, and then depression. Sometimes it just sucks balls being a mom who stays home because honestly nobody is going to hire me after 20 years of “professional ass wiping”. My husband disagrees though, as he says working in a nursing home would be just like being at home with kids……..he thinks he’s funny.
I am supposed to fly home to Texas this week for a friend’s wedding, and you know what I am doing right now??? I am drugging myself so I don’t have to think about it. I have never, not ever, been away from my kids…EVER. I am with them all day, every day, every night, and for me, this is freaking HARD because I am excited to go have a girls weekend and also see my family BUT I don’t want to leave my babies. I literally want to make a list for my husband that includes SIMPLE basics like “make sure and feed them three times a day” or “bathe them at night” because I am such a control freak, the idea of my not being here to oversee all of this is driving me insane. It’s not enough that I get to take a trip home, all by myself, sit on a plane, all by myself, listen to my audio book on the plane, without interruptions…….nope…..I have to go and ruin it all by being a mom who loves her kids too much and is scared to leave them for one weekend. Seriously. I need therapy.
Heather,
WOW!!! You have watched a video of my life! I have been a stay at home mom since my oldest son was 4 years old. He is now turning 18 years old in September and will be moving into his dorm in college that same day. I have three kids total. I also have an almost 14 year old son and an 11 year old daughter. I did go back to school because of the same reason you mentioned. Who in the world will hire me when I can actually go and work outside of the home again. It has taken every ounce out of me over the last three 1/2 years. My husband is on a rotating 12 hour schedule (4 days a week – 2 days and 2 nights). He also works a lot of over time and golfs a lot. I have to do EVERYTHING!!! When the kids are home and/or my husband is home, my homework does not get done. I am constantly interrupted and no one can help anyone except mom. After 3 1/2 years of struggling to do my homework and still keep up with everything else, I can finally say that at the end of July, 2012……I will have a bachelors degree in business with a major in accounting. I had to do my whole college career online because I didn’t have the time nor could I bring myself to be gone when the kids went to bed. I have always been the one to put them to bed and tuck them in at night. Going to night school was out of the question. It is strange to me how much I crave having time to myself, but then when I do………I feel guilty because I am not with my husband and kids and I miss them and want them with me. I think that being a mom is very hard and requires a lot of time and patience and there is also a requirement of insanity! Good luck on your trip and have fun because when you come home, you will be so happy to see your family when you come back and then the next day something will happen and you will suddenly wish you were back on that plane leaving them all over again. Smile, being the heart of the family is GREAT! ;o)
Wonderful post. One of the hardest parts of parenthood is the utter lack of alone time! Thank you for exploring this theme so thoughtfully and authentically.
Thank you! I feel like this far too often…
Would like to say that I am not crying my eyes out right now, but I am. I kinda feel like you are talking about me. I take comfort in knowing that I am not alone with these feelings. Thanks for that!
“you can’t go home. You are home.” made me tear up. I am struggling too.
Hard to see the light most days.
Thank you for making me feel not so alone for a moment in my intense life. The guilt of procreating and finding out you are ill-equipped buries me most days.
for the record I procreated once, but got two through some mischievous twist of Mother Nature.
Mom of 6-month-old twins and a 3.5 year old. I feel your struggle. Sometimes I want to check out–NEED to check out–but can’t check out. I’ve got kids now…lots of ‘em. Hope today has been better and pray tomorrow brings you a new, fresh perspective.
I feel you. I totally feel you. I’ve had so many of those days myself, where all I’ve wanted to do is get in the car and drive away and never come back. But what can you do?
Well, here’s what I do:
Pour myself another drink, turn down the lights, turn up the music and prepare my kids for the nightclub scene. They’ll thank me when they’re older, and right now they have no idea what all those songs are really about.
I’ve had times like this too, moreso before I had children as they melt my anger, but there have also been times when iv wanted to grab my little family and jump on a plane. I hope some good fortune and a break from the norm come your way. Try compiling a playlist of songs that remind you of great times and listen to it via headphones in the dark laying on your back on the floor. Sounds insane but it helps (if you hav the lights out they might all think you are out an leave you in peace!). Xx
Stand-out post. Helpful for anyone not looking for answers per se, just the relief of acknowledging a present state, albeit one which will probably pass, as you say. I was moved by this post.
Been there done that. I’m in a whole load of different stuff now. From my toddler days? Let me share with you Mommy-approved tip #83: The Diaper Duct Tape Belt.
Try this to nip the pulling-off-the-diaper routine in the bud. Put a clean diaper on as usual, but to finish off, wrap the diaper waste band (tightly enough it can’t be shimmied off down the hips) with a “belt” of duct tape. Of course, you will have to use scissors to cut it off later (for a nappy change), but at least it stays on until YOU’RE ready for it to some off.
I’m hoping you find your inner peace. Hang in there, Momma!
Amen. I will walk around in a daze sometimes, so overwhelmed and defeated by the passage of time. This post speaks volumes of truths about the sides of motherhood that no one ever speaks of.
you have completely articulated what I go through too! I only have 1 little one right now, but there are days where I want to run and instead “pull up my big girl pants” and remember that I’m an adult and I have to deal with stuff that sucks sometimes. Definitely doesn’t make it any easier. Definitely find that this stuff hits at the most inconvenient time. But it truly helps knowing someone else feels that way, too. Thank you for sharing.
Many times since “growing up” I have wished I could return to being the kid and letting my mommy take care of things. Here’s hoping that life gets easier.
Been there, done that. More than once. My favorite phase? “And this too shall pass…: Listen to this & know that you are not alone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7elxC8LXfzE
Me again. I couldn’t get this post out of my head! As such I have given you the Coffee Powered Writer Award. My second ever. http://coffeepoweredmom.wordpress.com/coffee-powered-writer-award/
I am pregnant with my first, and I want to drive away from this already. Not every day. But when my husband is in the middle of another anxiety attack, and I am swallowing another handful of pills and vitamins to fight off my own panic, and I remember that neither of us is getting a paycheck right now, I want to go back to our honeymoon. Thank you for reminding me that that is ok. Human, and therefore part of it all.
Such an honest and real post. Thank you for sharing it. I so related to everything you said. All of it, and it is quite clear from the comments that many others did as well.
Hang in there. And thank you for sharing.