I took my twins to their fifteen-month checkup last week. Alone. I always get nervous when I take them alone, lest an anarchy stronger than the current one take hold.
Luckily, I had it covered, save from them trying to eat their Goldfish and apple slices off a floor that clearly hadn’t been swept, pretty much, ever. One of those things you’d never have the luxury of knowing unless you’re a mother. Of twin toddlers. In a pediatrician’s office.
The nurse came in and did her thing, and I tried my best to entertain the twins with several iterations of Row, Row, Row Your Boat and The Itsy Bitsy Spider, all while catching and quickly disposing of slimy, half-chewed fruit and crackers before they were snapped back up by wet, filthy fingers.
Have I mentioned it was almost ninety degrees that day? So, besides the sweat I normally break when obligated (by law or social mores) to ‘keep my children under control’, I was legitimately sweaty as well. I don’t think that pediatrician’s ever seen me not sweating, now that I think about it. I even sweat when I take the cats to the vet. So squirmy, those little buggers…
My pediatrician’s good. She gets down and dirty with the babies, usually completing her exam before they have the chance to realize they’ve had one. Except. Except for my hyper-aware daughter and her disdain for anything that even remotely inconveniences her. Like an otoscope. She can jam her finger clear up your nose, tearing the delicate nerves inside with her jagged baby nails. She can sink her fingers into the skin of your neck and not let go, like an orphaned koala, but you can’t look into her ears.
As the pediatrician approached, I watched Maggie ball her tiny hands (officially the size of a nine-month old now, per this visit) into fists and wind up to slice the silence with one of her signature wails. I stood up and moved closer in case she did anything crazy, like bite the woman. Hasn’t happened yet, but she is a bit of a loose cannon. The doctor kept her cool as she tried to examine her ears. After full-on wrestling with a very willful child, and Goldfish strewn vainly all around the room, the exam was complete.
And then it came. It always does.
“She’s a drama queen!” the pediatrician exclaimed as she handed my darling daughter back to me.
“I know,” I responded somberly.
“I mean, she, she, that wasn’t even stranger anxiety, she was just,” she leaned in and mouthed, “pissed!”
“She was pissed!” she reiterated.
“I know,” I said again, as I subdued my daughter with more snack foods and tried to put her jumper back on.
We sat for a few minutes between the fairly pleasant visit from the pediatrician and the dreaded portion of the program where I have to hold them down for vaccinations.
We waited a while. I was running out of crackers. The exam room floor was almost completely cleaned by my childrens’ tushes. And then, finally, finally, the nurse arrived with the shots.
She was tall, with dark hair, bangs, and a face full of freckles. She looked down at me on the chair, and sputtered, “She told me to do him first. Do you know why that is? Why would I do him first?”
“Because she’s a drama queen?” I asked innocently.
“Well, she said he was more mellow,” she furrowed her brow.
“He’s definitely more mellow. You’ll see,” I said. “You’ll see.”
After giving my son his shots and managing to calm him enough not to choke on his cracker, I picked up Linda Blair – uh, Maggie – for hers, holding my breath, feeling more sweat crowd out the sweat already covering my face.
She screamed, as I imagined she would, and as she has several times before. But she wasn’t that bad. In my opinion, she hadn’t lived up to her reputation at all.
Once the shots were done, her eyes red and still brimming with tears, Maggie spotted the nurse about to leave the room. She lifted her lilliputian hand and waved, said, “Bye-bye,” to the nurse, and then blew her a kiss. Blew her three, actually.
The nurse melted, let out an involuntary, “Awwwww….” and returned Maggie’s air kisses for about a minute before she left the room for good.
I got them ready, wiped all requisite tears, and began our journey back out into the cold (okay, hot. It was hot) world.
Oftentimes her reputation precedes her, and frequently she lives up to it. Sometimes, though, sometimes she’s not so bad. She can actually be charming.
See, guys? She is human. I think.
Wait until she is older and can run down the hall towards the exit when they try to give her shots! I am the mother of a “drama queen” as well. They are a ton of fun.
Oh, god! I need an assistant!
Yes you do! Or at least 5 more arms!
I am the mother of a drama KING! He is now 15 and at last year’s physical, he ran out of the office all the way to the car because he didn’t want to “turn his head and cough.” I’ve had to chase him down the hallway and tackle him because he didn’t want to get a flu shot at age 10. Good luck!
I can’t wait (yes I can)!
I too am a mom of a 13 year old drama queen. The elaborate stories she tells us are so funny. There is never a dull moment!
I cannot even imagine this child at age 13!!
At my daughter’s last round of shots, I full on bribed her. Great big ice cream cone if she did it without too much freaking out. She never gets treats so she was game. It worked surprisingly well. A few tears…but not too bad.
My drama queen did this when she was 8! Then when it was all over with (3 nurses later) she simply said, ‘well jeez mom that wasn’t so bad!’ I tell you it is a good thing I have a sense of humor! The whole time my son (3 years younger) sat quietly and watched.
Someday I’ll laugh about this, too, right?
It may take a few years but yes you will laugh! I think it is smart to start laughing now! Sometimes that’s the only thing that saves the little buggers!
I have a sneaking suspicion that she won’t respond to bribes…
Oh boy.
Never let them outnumber you. And they sound like my dude! Completely.
I should take them one at a time, shouldn’t I?
Oh, so glad to be out of the vaccination days! I thought it would never end. Your story sounds like any number of mine…
So unpleasant!
I think we have the same kid, but mine is 3. Her 15 and 18 month visits were pretty much as you described. For what it’s worth, we found something that helped. I got her a pretend doctor’s kit after the 18 month visit so we could play “going to the doctor’s office at home.” Now, she likes going so she can show the doctors what a good patient she is – she’s transferred all the drama to melodramatic inhaling, exhaling, and sticking her tongue out as far as possible. The doctors think it’s hilarious and she cooperates happily.
Yes, as soon as she won’t eat it, I am going to get her one. Give her something to aspire to as well!
Yes, eating the stethoscope is a problem. We didn’t run into that, but we do have to velcro her pictures to the wall…
She is totally human. We’re crafty like that. Next time she’ll bite that nurse’s finger off.
I know, and then we’ll have to find another pediatrician…
Since our last vaccination visit when my twins were 2.5, they are terrified of doctors. My daughter is a drama queen! She went first and screamed when it happened. My son started crying even before it was his turn. He realised what was going on.
Now my daughter covers her mouth / ears anytime a doctor wants to check her. Screams, pushes, and kicks the doctors!
I don’t know how to calm them down on this one.
A glimpse into my future, no doubt…
I really feel for you. Our little guy had some horrible experiences with IV’s when he was younger and very ill… now, you can’t even MOUTH the word needle and he starts having a melt down… if the word is said aloud, he actually gets chalk white and his eyes start to roll back!
Eek! I hope he’s doing much better now!
My daughter threw massive temper tantrums during the ear check also. Then we had an emergency visit to a new Doctor and he said, ” I think I hear noises coming from your ear.”. Well, little darling perked up and looked puzzled. Doc asked if he could look and figure out who it was. Of course she said yes. Then he looked and laughed hysterically and said it was Mickey Mouse. My daughter thought it was the funniest thing in the world! She was never afraid of having her ears checked again! What a smart Doctor!
@Sharon
No, actually that is a GOOD doctor. Hang on to them!
There are far too few of them these days. Personally, I suspect that they are sending med students to secret “how to hide your humanity” classes or something these days.
Stacy, they do attend a class like that. It’s to keep them from becoming “attached” to their patients. I’ve dealt with too many jerky turkey docs for myself, so I have no shame in “firing” them & telling them to cram a pineapple sideways when they are anything but awesome with the minis. My oldest, 8, has a total, absolute sort of melt down when she has dr. appts because her lil’ sister, 6, was gifted with my autoimmune disease & she sees all the horrors (or so she thinks) the lil’ booger endures & suspects she’s in for the same sort of workups. Meanwhile, the lil’ one couldn’t care less about getting poked, prodded, x-rayed & cat scanned. She’s too easy to get her to take her clothes off for exams, which leads me & daddy to worry, hard, about her when she hits her teens.
my 19 yr old daughter is STILL a drama queen…it doesn’t get any better when they move out on their own!
My drama queen is 23 and still at home because she is in university, she still drives me nuts but then out of the blue will climb on the bed beside me if I am reading before bed and just want to cuddle, my calmer children don’t drive me nuts but they have also out grown the cuddling too (4 kids in their 20s, 2 at home and 2 moved out). So the biggest thing I can tell you about them is enjoy them……..you will have more stories to laugh about, more cuddles from and just more experiences with your drama kings and queens than you do with your laid back ones. I love my two laid back and realize they are just like me going through life one step at a time but I am facinated and admire the courage of the two drama kids (they take after my husband) who take leaps into the life.
My guys hated the NICU follow ups so bad that one time one of the twins headbutted me and split my lip. It’s gotten a TON better( mostly because they have gotten older), but I still had to lay on them them so they could take blood about two years back.
I also have twins, fraternal, both girls. They are 5. At their 3 year old visit, when the doctor came into the room and asked the girls how they were doing, my own little drama queen immediately told the doctor “not so good. you need to do something about making her (pointing at her sister) eat more. Do you know what kind of life I will have if my name is the chunky one? I go to dancing school, but she won’t. I want my name to be the dancing one. That will be good.” Honestly, I never laughed so hard at one of my children’s well baby visits.