How do I say this?
I had a sober moment of realization at 4:40 this morning, when I awoke suddenly to deafening silence. Two of my children were sleeping soundly in their rooms, and the third? Well, the third was banished to Grammy’s for the night because she just can’t hang.
For the past fourteen months, I’ve operated under the mistaken assumption that none of my children were sleeping through the night, causing sighs of disbelief all over the land. “I know. I know. It’s true, ” I would qualify. And they would shake their heads.
But you know what? It’s not.
Maggie wasn’t home last night and everyone slept. All night. The pain and tension in my right leg and lower back, that I’ve been waking up with for months, was completely absent this morning. The cloud of exhaustion (that’s followed me around for over a year) has evaporated into space.
Two meals were eaten and neither my husband nor I had to crawl on the floor to reconstruct a plate of food.
Bedtime waxed and waned without incident.
And everyone slept.
I hate to say this is such a rare occurrence in my house. I hate to blame such a palpable amount of chaos on a seventeen-pound toddler. Hell, I’ve had dogs bigger than that. I hate the feeling that our lives would look much different without all the chaos my daughter brings. I hate it, and hate to say it. But that’s the way it is.
And you (and I) would expect me to say, that, oh, but for the chaos, she’s a delight, and oh, how much fun we have with her, but I don’t think you are going to get any of that from me today.
She’s a pest.
There. I said it.
She’s a screaming, writhing, climbing, food-throwing, peace-shattering nuisance, and right now, I’m hard-pressed to find any charm in it.
And, of course, I realize this is not the first time I’ve said this, and hopefully (for your sake) this is the last, but when do these things change? She wakes up in the middle of the night as much as, if not more than, an infant. And screaming. Not bloody murder screaming, but bloody-murder-with-a-side-of-arson screaming. We’ve had her checked out, we’ve made every imaginable change to her sleeping quarters, her diet, and now her immediate environment, and she’s still prickly. We can’t seem to squeeze the prickles out of her.
And how do I deal with it now? I pray. Because what’s left? I literally pray, have been praying, for six months, that something will change, that she’ll stop screaming, that she’ll sleep through the night, that she’ll calm down. And, if you know me at all, you know that’s a little out of character.
I realize it’s presumptuous of me to believe that I’d have three perfect children who behave exactly within our expectations. I realize that’s not the way the world works. But I just can’t shake the frustration that we’ve done everything within our power to make things run more smoothly around here, and she refuses to settle.
And it sort of kills me that when we remove the variable, the problems disappear.
Though I hate (love) sending her off to Grammy’s (which, for the record, has only been done twice ever), we need to find a way to make things work. For everyone. We’re a disjointed, exhausted family of five who sometimes manages to make it all work. Sometimes.
And I don’t want to be sitting here, writing only about our scarce good times, two years from now. Or this. Because you can bet your sweet ass I’m way over this.
Poor baby. And momma. Wonder if it’s night terrors? I don’t have any experience. All I know is, I’ll pray for you too because it sounds like hell.
I really think she just got into the habit of screaming like that and just continued. Because if you pick her up and walk with her (to wherever, to the chair for a bottle), and she sees a cat, she smiles and laughs. I truly believe she just developed a baaaaaaad habit there.
Out of my 8 children I have had a few that are terrible sleepers – my first two. Somehow though my last 6 were amazing. Are you keeping the same routine everynight? (I know u most likely are). Have you tried putting her to bed earlier? I know that sounds crazy but maybe she is actually overtired and that is why she wakes? Just some thoughts…………
Anyhow it is great that Grandma will take her over night now and then – you need the break sometimes.
Good luck!
Thanks! Yes, we put her to bed the same time. We’ve put them to bed earlier, but the time seems always to creep back to about 9pm. I am going to keep working on it. I think that may be part of it.
I had tears in my eyes. Thank you for admitting to yourself what I need to. I have three children and my youngest little guy who is 2 is an absolute terror. Screaming fits and such every single day. We wake up everyday and don’t know if he will be the sweet funny guy or the raging toddler from hell. Something as small as a diaper change will turn into a 30 minute screaming fight. I hold out hope that it’s a phase…our other two of course not perfect were not even close to his level of behavior. I love my son I really really do but god help me sometimes I just do not like him at all.
And thanks for reading. It’s so hard to admit we don’t like them. I’m certainly not a huge fan of hers right now, either. My two-year-old has his moments, too, so I totally understand where you’re coming from.
Oh how I appreciate your honesty! My first was a horrible, horrible, terrible, terrible sleeper until he turned two years old. My second, age two, is better but not great. Sleep deprivation is indeed torture. Wishing you all more nights of rest and reprieve!
Thank you! And hope something magical will happen once (or hopefully before!) she turns two. That would be delightful.
If you don’t follow @joniboloney on Twitter, do it. Her tweets exhaust me. Her daughter NEVER sleeps. She just had a baby, he doesn’t sleep either. You are not alone. It’s soooooo hard when they are little. My Levi screams about his window being scary every single night.
Thanks. I just followed her. Misery does love company, you know.
Sometimes it’s just a temperament thang. It’s hard to say whether or not she’ll outgrow it but I can tell you as a mom of a very difficult boy that it is okay, nay a necessity, for you to take regular breaks from that kid. A well rested and refreshed you is in much better condition to deal with your difficult child. Don’t feel guilty for sending her to Grandma’s. One on one time with a carting adult and no competition from brothers is great for her, too. Hang in there!
Thanks! My pediatrician says she’s perfectly healthy, that’s “just her”, which is both reassuring and infuriating. During the day, she’s not bad, and she naps fine, except for wreaking general havoc. I think this is just her, too. Ugh.
Okay, I am going to be the bad guy on here and ask if you tried letting her cry? I almost cringe asking because knowing you, I am sure you have tried EVERYTHING. But I ask because I am curious if she just KEEPS crying, as in, she is so strong willed that she catches on and just wails more? We had a wailer (one of the twins) and I had to go against my comfort zone and try the ‘crying out’ method. It took 2 weeks of HELL, but it worked. He never went back to the crying and has slept through the night ever since. It was HELL for the other kids during that time too, but not worse than the nightly waking up screaming had been.
I am trying to think of any creative ideas or suggestions I have been given that might help. I will get back with you later if I come up with anything worth your while.
I am so sorry, Stephanie, that you are going through this. Can Grandma take her for one night a week, while a permanent solution is sought, just for your sanity? I currently only sleep one good night a week, because along with having 4 toddlers under the age of 3, I am a full time student. So, I have one night a week that I get 8 hours of sleep. The others I get maybe 4, so that I can complete homework.
I will keep praying for a miracle that allows Maggie to be soothed and sleep calmly. Keep your chin up! (you can hit me now, for trying to end on a positive note)
Yeah, we let her cry. She escalates until the neighbors wake up and glass starts shattering. She knows. It’s like “I’m Maggie! You CAN’T IGNORE ME!” I’d say 20% of the time, she goes back to sleep. It’s the other 80 that’s killing us. The last time I let her cry, as in I’m not going to pick you up under any circumstance, it was almost 4 hours before she went back to sleep. Just bananas. Though I still keep doing it, hoping it will catch.
you know, i don’t have kids. but, my cousin has two and she used to tell me how she would put the one down and then go outside and walk around the perimeter of the house several times to avoid throttling her. i always appreciated that honesty, as i do yours. not to get all cesar milan, but if there’s nothing physically or mentally wrong with the kid, then you must get her to stop somehow. isn’t there a method of letting her cry her little brains out and NOT picking her up, until she realizes that she can’t do that, which might work? i’m no supernanny, that’s for sure. but, you’re absolutely right, the kid doesn’t get to run the show. so, here’s sending you good vibes and hoping something works. hugs, sm
We’re trying. She sure can go, though. Last time was almost 4 hours. Which takes a huge toll on everyone else. We’re not giving up. I am hoping it sticks at some point.
oy, jesus, 4 hrs. that is insane. man, i’m at a loss. maybe give her a sip of a gin n’ tonic? i’m not advocating that, but my mom used to do it to me when i was hyper in a restaurant. i blame her for my wino proclivities now. loooll. anyway, seriously, best of luck. that honestly sounds like a torture.
She’s prickly. Oh, how I feel your pain. It takes a brave mama to admit what you’ve admitted, and I will pray (for all of your sakes) that your prickly, adorable little girl will calm down.
Thanks, Greta. Prickly and adorable is a dangerous combination.
I needed – I mean NEEDED – to read this, so thank you for being so open. I too have a challenging sleeper and feel like I’ve been waiting and waiting for that “change” that everyone keeps saying will just happen eventually, but never seems to. The only thing that’s helped my mental state has been adjusting my expectations. It doesnt get me more sleep, but has made me less angry.
Thank you. I am always glad to hear that. We don’t expect to sleep, or expect her to sleep, but we’re still mad. Go figure!
Lately zi(3) has been having sleeping problem to! I thought those days were over after her infant days! HA! Wrong! She get’s up at least 4 times wondering around as I see her walk right past me most of the time! lol…I’m like why are you out of bed…*the tears start*! Good luck! lol
And to you!
I love this post and the picture that follows. She looks so innocent and mischievous all at once! Dangerous combo for sure. I don’t have any advice but sometimes (most of the time) I have found I don’t need/want the advice, but just to be heard.
And you know what? She’s slept through the night for the past two days now. I don’t know why, I don’t know how, but she’s done it…I’m flabbergasted.
Sadly, I was one of those lucky parents whose children slept 12 hours no problem. I wish I knew why, because I would bottle it up and send it to you.
Thanks! My son was like that, and my other son is a close second. It’s just…this…girl…
My Bug was a screamer. There was a span of time that I loved him like crazy but really didn’t like him very much. It turned out to be allergies and growing pains, for him, so a nightly massage and some changes to his diet helped him get into a decent sleep schedule. I feel for you, lady. I hope you all are through this, soon.
I’m going to break out some Mr. Miyagi-type stuff tonight then. *Cracks knuckles*
Kira didn’t sleep through the night for the first…16 months, 17? My memory gets a little hazy. And the age that she’s at now…well, she’s a devil. She screams and hits and thrashes about in anger, she’s demanding and greedy and I just can’t imagine where these fits come from. Ally was so well tempered (having tantrums like a normal child, but then filling the big gaps with sweetness and joy) and sometimes Kira is just so overwhelming! Argh!
Isn’t it nuts how one *little* *tiny* person can create such big chaos??
I think it’s nuts that humans don’t eat their young sometimes!
I’m just kidding, of course, but there are some nights that she’ll start crying and I’ll just lie in bed whispering ‘shut up…go to sleep…shhh’ only loud enough for me to hear it.
I just wrote a post on the 20th with the same exact name, but it was concerning my husband and not a toddler. I do have a 4 year old that throws full-blown temper explosions…so although I sleep through most nights, I (and the rest of my family) feel relief when his bedtime rolls around.
I like their bedtime for sure, but we’re so tired when they go down, we just go to sleep ourselves. Hopefully that will change at some point.
I do LOVE this blog. Not every moment of being a mom is fit for a Hallmark card, and it is good that we have each other to vent to. I saw that this was from a few weeks ago and I am praying your “all night sleeping” continues. I will admit it- with my youngest, I lost the sleep battle and my daughter slept with us till she was 3 because I realized that instead of endless screaming, (literally screaming till she got worked up and vomited and I had to change all the sheets) she would wake up and put her head back down if she saw me and I got tired of sleeping on the floor in her room. I figured if just seeing my face lulled her back to sleep- then we could skip the drama. My husband was not a fan of the arrangement, but he got on board. I tried it all and then I got tired of all the advice and that is what worked for me. Hope you get your miracle! BTW she is adorable!
Thanks! It’s hit-or-miss right now, bit I’m ever hopeful!